Gambling Humor

A golfer goes on a Las Vegas vacation where he golfs all day then gambles at night. One night he's on a great winning streak when he takes a drink. Next thing he knows, he wakes up in a strange hotel room. He looks to his left and sees a woman he's never seen before. He looks right and sees a marriage certificate framed on the bed stand with his name on it (along with a name he doesn't know). Just then she starts to wake up.

He says to her: "I don't really remember last night, but did we get married?"

"Oh, yes" she responds, "It was so romantic"

He replies, "I believe in the sanctity of marriage and I willing to stand behind my commitment, but I should warn you, I'm a golfer and while you'll see me in the evenings, during the daylight hours I'll be out on the course"

She says, "I appreciate your honesty, so I should be honest too. I'm a hooker"

"That's okay, just turn your clubface outward..."

The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow. One of the members had enough, so he bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf. He then set up a game with the pro--$1000 a side with automatics.

The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out.

The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.

The pro just about fell out of his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live it down. He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.

As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?"

The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.

Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas . He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas . One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor.

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas . The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

A young sexy blonde went to Las Vegas . She had been in the casino for about an hour, and realized she was thirsty. So she went to the pop machine in the hall. She put $1.00 in an a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.

A man saw her, and he said: "What are you doing?"

And the sexy blonde said: "Duh!! Winning!!!"

Morning at the casino. Two bored dealers are delighted when an attractive sexy lady comes to their crap table and puts down $20,000 down on a single roll of the dice.

"I hope you don't mind" she says "but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." With that she removes both blouse and bra. She rolls the dice, yelling "Momma needs a new shirt!" Then she jumps up and down and hugs the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one to them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

"I want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from but it's bet, bet, bet."

"Leave it to me," said the principal.

A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've cured him," he said.

"How?"

"Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.'

'How much?' I said, and he said "$5 "

"What happened?" asked the father.

"Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson."

"No, it won't," said the father. "He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!"

What's got forty balls and gets old women real excited?

Bingo!

Q. How do you fit 50 cows in a small shed?

A. Put a "BINGO TONIGHT!" sign out the front.

Q. How do you get two little old ladies to swear?

A. Get a third little old lady to shout "bingo".

Q: Why do New Zealand horses run so fast?

A: Because they've seen what they do to the sheep.

A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and announces, "This here octopus is special. He can play any musical instrument!"

The bartender looks at the man skeptically and says, "I'll bet you fifty bucks that he can't play my guitar." So the bartender hands the man his guitar and he hands it to the octopus and with all eight tentacles it produces one of the most melodic tunes he has ever heard. Impressed, the bartender hands over the cash.

A customer sees this and offers a fifty dollar bet that the octopus can't play the piano, but soon he too is handing over fifty dollars.

Another man says, "I bet he can't play the bagpipes!" and he hands over some bagpipes to the octopus. The octopus carefully circles the bagpipes, but plays nothing, simply studying the instrument.

"Ha! You can't play it." says the man to the octopus.

"Play it?" Says the octopus, "I'm gonna fuck it as soon as I can figure out how to get its underwear off!"

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says,

"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food; I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight!"

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing.. and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon , and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally!

Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

With more churches than casinos in Las Vegas , many worshippers put betting chips into collection plates instead of cash. Because there are so many different casinos, the Catholic churches send the chips into the diocese to be sorted.

Once sorted, a junior priest goes to the casinos to exchange chips for cash. What do they call the priest?

The chip monk.